What you can do as a third party for a woman who is being abused
1 Talk to her in private.
Wait until you can meet somewhere quiet and private, away from her partner. Avoid talking to her at her home, because she may be at risk if he returns suddenly or if there are hidden monitoring devices. Speak to her calmly, without judging her, and tell her what you have noticed and what worries you.
2 Believe her.
If she tells you he is abusing her, believe her. Even if her partner seems kind to others, know that many perpetrators have two faces — one for the world and another when they are alone with their partner. If she says she is not being abused, simply tell her you are worried and that she can talk to you whenever she feels ready.
3 Listen to her carefully.
Let her tell you whatever she wants, without interrupting or pressuring her. Do not tell her what she “should” do. Instead, ask how you can help. Show her she is not alone and that there are people and organisations that can support her — give her the details from this page and/or the 1440 helpline number.
4 Remind her of her strengths.
Tell her how brave she is for trying to cope with the situation. Her partner may have made her believe she is worthless or can do nothing right. Help her remember what she has achieved so far and encourage her to keep going. It is important that she does not give up. If she has children, remind her how much she does every day to protect them.
5 Do not make her feel bad about her feelings.
It is normal for her to have mixed feelings — she may love her partner and fear him at the same time. If they have children, she may want to stay to keep the “family together”. Tell her these feelings are understandable, but also tell her that violence always affects the children too, even if they are not present at every incident.
6 Do not blame her.
Make it clear that she is not responsible for the abuse. Her partner may tell her she “provokes” him, or that he did it because he had been drinking or because he “loves” her. Keep stressing that he alone is responsible for the violence — there is no excuse. Be careful not to speak harshly about him, because she may defend him and pull away from you.
7 Take the situation seriously.
If you believe she is in danger, tell her calmly. For example: “I am very worried about you; your situation looks dangerous.” Avoid phrases like: “How did you let things get like this?” or “Why haven’t you left him yet?”
8 Offer practical help.
Ask her what she needs and how you can help. Give her the SPAVO number 1440 and remind her that the call is free.
9 Encourage her to make a safety plan.
Leaving an abusive relationship without a plan is dangerous. A safety plan is essential to leave safely. She can ask for extra help to make one by calling 1440.
10 Respect her decisions.
She may not be ready to leave yet, or she may have reasons why she cannot leave immediately — for example she may reasonably fear that violence will escalate against her or the children. Do not pressure her and do not act behind her back (such as calling the Police or telling others) unless she asks you to. That could put her in a worse position than now.
11 Keep supporting her later too.
If she decides to separate, do not assume everything is over. Life after an abusive relationship is hard, and she may need time to adjust. Stay by her side and show her she can still rely on you.
What else you can do to help:
- Learn about the forms abuse can take: Violence is not only visible bruises. It can be emotional, sexual, financial, or other forms of control. You can read more here to understand better how gender-based/domestic violence works and what tactics perpetrators use to hold power over victims.
- Contact 1440 for more information.
- Do not expect her to do the “right thing” or to “leave immediately”. She may fear things will get worse, feel ashamed, hope something will change, or have no way to leave. The best thing you can do is support her steadily, without pressure. Support does not mean pushing her to leave at once.
Let go of prejudices and expectations.
Being a victim of violence does not mean a woman is weak or that she “accepts” it. Gender-based/domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of age, education, income, or nationality. Many perpetrators seem polite, sociable, and “nice” in public. Usually violence starts gradually, and he works to lower her self-esteem, isolate her from friends and family, and make her feel trapped and unable to leave. The more you understand the struggle a woman faces to survive, and the more you recognise her courage, intelligence, and strength, the better you can help her. Know that it may take a long time, planning, support, patience, and professional help before a woman can leave an abusive relationship safely.
If there are children:
In Cyprus there is a strong legal framework for mandatory reporting by professionals and by any citizen in relation to child abuse. If there are children in the family and you know or have serious reason to believe they are being sexually abused or subjected to another form of serious abuse, then as an adult you have a duty to inform the Police or Social Welfare Services immediately, without notifying the parents — especially if the violence comes from them. Find more information on the Foni Council website (reporting page).